Far from preventing us from performing such acts it's clear – and your husband is a good example – that it stimulates a desire to experiment further and increases our appetites for behaviour that, while totally within our rights to participate in, is not necessarily what we would rationally choose. The porn industry has become brilliantly adept at imagining scenes of violence and abuse, thankfully not present in most of our daily lives. How else do you justify sane, educated human beings finding a rape scene sexually stimulating? That may be saying the unsayable, but it happens, whether we are horrified about it or not. Like most drugs and stimulants it relies on biological response to its basic ingredients. Pornography works because it bypasses the intellect.
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Is it an infringement of our freedom to have to go somewhere and register to download porn, as I argued two weeks ago, or just an inconvenience? It seems to me the only fair way of protecting the rights of those who want to wallow in the meat trade while giving equal precedence to those who prefer not to be so easily exposed. There's no secret to the appeal of graphic sexual imagery but in the same way that we make other choices – to pursue monogamy, to not get blind drunk in sight of our children, to give up Class A drugs – pornography is something we should be allowed to make choices about rather than be forced to confront. I'm not advocating that pornography should be banned, or even questioning people's enjoyment of it. Beneath our designer labels and cosmetically primed skins we are primal beasts after all, and given the right trigger we all have the ability to allow our matter to rule over our minds. Most of us would laugh out loud if some idiot started abusing us in the style of the book's supposed hero, yet many millions of women found it disturbingly erotic. On an extremely lightweight level look at the bestseller Fifty Shades of Grey. But it can also trigger physical responses to acts you find utterly abhorrent, from rape and child abuse to sadomasochistic fantasies, all focused on triggering stimulation while your rational mind is screaming: "No!" I'm not arguing that pornography isn't fit for purpose and sometimes even sexy. Men do strange things when women are pregnant (it's a trying period for both sexes, when one set of biological urges dictates two lives not used to such demands) and your husband's behaviour pushes that philosophy to its furthest extreme.
It's possible that he's been nursing what were in the beginning latent gay tendencies, but it's equally likely that he's simply seen imagery that provoked his libido and decided to follow that blue brick road to its logical conclusion. If, after counselling (which I would insist on), he comes to the conclusion that his sexual proclivities lie elsewhere, you'll have to rethink your marriage. He's betrayed you badly by allowing his impulses rather than more cerebral considerations to dictate his behaviour – but all is not lost. I'm loath to repeat my diatribe of a couple of weeks ago against the insidious impact of pornography but I'm afraid your husband's case provides a perfect "cause célèbre". Mariella replies The bells may toll but his promises also chime sweetly. But I have alarm bells ringing and am at a loss as to what to do, with no one to turn to. He is seeking counselling, has gone cold turkey on porn and will do anything to win me back. He swears he isn't bisexual or gay, and says he's watched so much porn his appetite has increased for more taboo and risqué stuff and that he just compartmentalised everything and didn't think about the effect on me and the children. I had an inkling he watched porn, but had no clue as to the frequency (daily he was even bunking off work and watching it in public loos). When I confronted him he confessed he visited a gay sauna on four occasions while I was pregnant and started emailing a man he met there. He said he has been addicted to pornography for over a decade (long before we met) and this had been making him have urges he had difficultly controlling. Six weeks ago I discovered that my husband has been chatting to men online via Gaydar and other similar sites, and emailing one man in particular.
The dilemma I am a 38-year-old woman, married for three years, with three children under the age of four.